Hey fuckers!!!! Who's got some jokes?

[substance]

Since everyone's so fuckin pissy...Let's make fun of something or tell some jokes....

What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar?

Falmethrower....That's for Jay Bee

How do you know you gas station attendant is an ex porn star????

Because you tell him to put in $10 and he gets to $9.90 and sprays the rest on your hood!

Whatever

Substance

[Mr. Grouchface]

that second joke was kinda lame. wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

actually they both were. i aint heard a good joke inna minute. somebody better bring some gusto.

[substance]

That's what I'm sayin....

substance

[imported_Dj_Pseudonym]

What do you call a musican w/o a girlfriend?

Homeless...
PEACE
-Pseudo

[Jimmy2times]

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


cuz it was dead.

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Jimmy2times:
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?


cuz it was dead.<hr></blockquote>

I actually fuckin laughed at that.....Damn this shit's good!

graemlins/bandit.gif

[Kweenie]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Substance:


I actually fuckin laughed at that.....Damn this shit's good!

graemlins/bandit.gif <hr></blockquote>

...For some reason I laughed too... Hahahaa.

[naturalelement]

wht do get whn u cross 50 deer w/ 50 pigs.

100 sows and bucks.

:D

[Patrick Bateman]

Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks up to them and opens his trenchcoat.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun also had a stroke.
The third nun wouldn't touch it at all.
graemlins/bandit.gif

[Mr. Grouchface]

^^^haha!

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers and 50 lesbians in one room?

100 people who dont do dick!

[Interest]

And then he said No!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha!

[Dirtay Postmistress]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Kweenie:


...For some reason I laughed too... Hahahaa.<hr></blockquote>

i laughed too. graemlins/alien.gif

[Dirtay Postmistress]

thanks for a light-hearted thread substance...

message board drama has got this lady a lil bummed out. graemlins/urrr.gif

and...the sun did come out today.

all the jokes i know have been told a million times. graemlins/sleep.gif

[Sarah]

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

FIRE!!

[Triumph]

Hip hop promoter Sean 'P. Diddy' Combs ran the NY marathon on Sunday in 4 hours and 15 minutes. Experts say that this is the first time in history a rapper has worn a tracksuit for a reason.

Why do dogs lick their balls,
because they can't make a fist.

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Late_Night_with_Conan_O'Brien/video/v_triumph_8nipples.jpg

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nicatina:
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

FIRE!!<hr></blockquote>

And this is why I love you...hehehehe

Substance

[Sarah]

and this is why I love you...


<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Substance:
I don't scratch.....I'm into trance.

Got any glowsticks?

Substance<hr></blockquote>

[Interest]

Can you pass me the Vicks?

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Interest:
Can you pass me the Vicks?<hr></blockquote>


Naw I'm all out of E.....hahahaha

Substance

[Sarah]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Substance:



Naw I'm all out of E.....hahahaha

Substance<hr></blockquote>


and I was going to offer you a back rub, oh well...

[RaskalJay]

How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it with gasoline and toss it in the fireplace.

What do you call a gay guy with the shits?
Juicy Fruit

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by nicatina:



and I was going to offer you a back rub, oh well...<hr></blockquote>

That's just wrong!!!! EVIL

A back rub with vicks????

Atleast your sinuses would be clear.....

Substance

[NaSp]

sorry all i know are racial joke's & someone might get all offended & think im being recist .. so problly not..

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by NaSp:
sorry all i know are racial joke's & someone might get all offended & think im being recist .. so problly not..<hr></blockquote>


You are a racist....That's why you like hip hop,and hang around multi ethnic folks.. smile.gif

Substance

[Sarah]

What do you call a 350 pound stripper?
-Broke

How can you tell a barbie doll has her period?
-Your tic tacs are missing

[bobbybrewski]

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin

How do break Tif's jaw?
Kick JayBee in the nuts.

[bobbybrewski]

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was AAAAAAAUGHHHHHHHURRRRRRGGGGHTTTTHHSSSSSAAAA

[Freez]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>How do break Tif's jaw?
Kick JayBee in the nuts. <hr></blockquote>


graemlins/lol.gif graemlins/lol.gif graemlins/lol.gif graemlins/lol.gif graemlins/lol.gif

Thats fucked up!

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bobby Brewski:

How do break Tif's jaw?
Kick JayBee in the nuts.<hr></blockquote>


Oh Lord!!!!

Substance

[NaSp]

Why dont you ever wanna hit a mexican on a bike ???

The bike might be your's ....

[Mr. Grouchface]

I might have posted these before...

What does Snoop Dogg wash his laundry with?
-BLEEEEEEEEEEOTCH! (You know like bleach... Only said like beeeeeotch!)

What did the Mexican say when the gas station fell on him?
-Aye, get off me S.A.

(Sorry bout that one... No disrespect intended)

[naturalelement]

wht up booby. ths one's 4 ur smartass.

a strngr was seatd nxt to lil johnny on the plane whn the strngr turnd to the young boy and said, "let's talk. i've heard tht flights wll go quickr if u strike up a conversation w/ ur fellow passengr."

lil johnny, who had just opend his book, closd it slowly, and said to the strangr, "wht wld u like to discuss?"

"oh, i dn't knw," said the strngr. "how bout nuclear power?"

"OK," said lil johnny. "tht cld be an interestin topic. but let me ask u a question frst.

"a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. the same stuff. yet a deer excretes lil pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. why do u suppose tht is?"

"geez," said the strngr. "i have no idea."

"wel, thn," said lil johnny, "how is it tht u feel qualified to discuss nuclear powr whn u dn't knw sht?"

[ November 13, 2003: Message edited by: naturalelement ]</p>

[Interest]

Hahaha! It's all about the little johnny jokes.


Little johnny was on a trip with his uncle.
His uncle stopped for gas and little johnny asks "Can I pump some gas uncle?" and uncle replied "No little johnny, I'm afraid you're too young." "Please Please uncle, I'm old enough" little johnny replied.
Uncle says "Well little johnny,...can you touch your dick to your asshole?"
Little johnny said "No uncle, no I can't."
Uncle said "I'm sorry little johnny, you can't pump the gas.
Uncle went in, paid, they left.

Later on, uncle pulls out some chaw.
Little johnny asks "Uncle, can I have some of that?"
Uncle laughed and said "No no little johnny, you're too young."
Little johnny begged "please, please uncle?"
Uncle again asks "Well little johnny, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"
Little johnny says "no, no I can't"

Uncle then says to little johnny "Tell you what, I bought 2 lottery tickets. I'll let you scratch one and if you win you can keep it."
They scratch their tickets, uncle had nothin. Little johnny goes, I won! I won uncle!"
Uncle snatched the ticket and said "lemmeseedat!...$10,000!!! How about you split this with me since I bought the ticket."
Little johnny goes "Well uncle, can you touch your dick to your asshole?"
Uncle thought for a second and said "Well yes, yes I can touch my dick to my asshole."
Then little johnny said "Then go fuck yourself."

[bobbybrewski]

How do you break Tif's jaw?
Kick any rapper in the cock.

ahahahahaaaaaaaa

ok.
Why do Mehicans drive lowriders?
So they can cruise and pick cabbage at the same time.
Why are there no Mehican pharmacists?
They can't write on those little bottles with spray paint.
What do you get when you cross a Mehican and a Polock?
A kid who spray paints his name on chain link fences.
Why do Mehicans drive with little steering wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs on.
What did the Mehican fireman name his twins?
Jose and Hose-B.
What do get when you cross a Mehican with an Octopus?
I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a bathtub?
None, they keep sliding down the drain.
How many Ethiopians can you fit in a phone booth?
All of them.
How many Cubans does it take to tar a roof?
A dozen, if you slice em thin enough.

and the finalee
How many skateboarders does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But it take him 100 tries.

thank you thank you.
Tif's jaw is sore.

[NaSp]

Q What do you tell a mexican with a job??
A can i super size that

Q Why is thier no mexican's in the olympics??
A all of them that can run, jump, or swim are already in the u.s.

Thier is a Canidian, Frenchmen, a Texan & a Mexican all flying in a plane when the engine's go out & the captain say's we all have to jump & try to survive or we crash & everyone dies, so the Canadian jump's & yells long live Canada......
The frenchmen is next & jump's yelling long live France.....
Next with out hesitation the Texan throw's the mexican & yells to him Remeber the Alamo....

[naturalelement]

bobby ur sooooo funny. eat sht. :D

yo mama so shrt, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.

[bobbybrewski]

yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was the Mehican phone company.

Why doesn't Tif use vibrators?
She'll chip her teeth.

[naturalelement]

keep it up booby.

yo mama so ugly, whn she was in labor the doctor askd whch end.

and

yo mama's so dumb, she drownd durin the wave @ the ftball stadium.

[bobbybrewski]

How do you break Tif's fingers?

Kick her in the pussy.

[naturalelement]

hi booby.

nice to see u cn't stop thnkin bout me.

precious.

[bobbybrewski]

When Tif's grampa was born, they passed out cigars.
When Tif's dad was born, they passed out cigarettes.
When Tif was born, they just passed out.

[bobbybrewski]

hi Tif.
smile.gif
;)

[naturalelement]

whoa, true. the sperm donor did pass out. but tht prolly has more to do w/ the fact tht he's a lush. sad.

[bobbybrewski]

How can you tell if Tif came over while you were out?
The garbage is tipped over and the dog's pregnant.

[ November 14, 2003: Message edited by: Bobby Brewski ]</p>

[4D's]

Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.

Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.

Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.

Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.

Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner?
A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades.

Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby 3 weeks later.

Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A: Baby in a cellophane bag.

Q: What is green and sits in the corner?
A: Same dead baby two weeks later!

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: One cup root beer, two scoops dead baby.
(If on a diet use only one scoop.)

Q: Where's the best place to get babies for a float?
A: An abortion clinic.

heheh more at: http://www.darkicon.com/Archives/deadbaby.htm

[eric]

Q: What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a Ferrarri?
A: I don't have a Ferrarri in my garage.

Q:how many dead babies can you fit in the trunk of a 1992 Oldsmobile?
A:17 (said with a totally straight face)

[bobbybrewski]

what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
pizzas don't scream when you put em in the oven

[Diggla]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bobby Brewski:
what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
pizzas don't scream when you put em in the oven<hr></blockquote>

graemlins/yell.gif

[Dirtay Postmistress]

wow

[bobbybrewski]

wahhhhhh
this world is so bad
wah wah wah
we're all going to hell
wahhhhhhh

[Jimmy2times]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bobby Brewski:

we're all going to hell
wahhhhhhh<hr></blockquote>

word. i'll see y'all there.
my plan is to start a resistance, rise up and takeover.
cant nobody hold me down.

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Jimmy2times:


word. i'll see y'all there.
my plan is to start a resistance, rise up and takeover.
cant nobody hold me down.<hr></blockquote>


That's what I'm sayin!

I think the devil would like me though....Maybe we can be friends.

substance

[bobbybrewski]

what do you call the richest, smartest homosexual?

faggot

[bobbybrewski]

ha ha ha ha ha
gay people are funny
queer eyed queers

[Sarah]

what's the difference between michael jackson and a plastic bag?

plastic bags don't molest children.

[bobbybrewski]

What's the diff between a trash bag and Michael Jackson?

One's made of plastic and is harmful to children. The other's a trash bag.

[bobbybrewski]

What do you tell a bitch with two black eyes?


Nothing. You already told her twice.

[Numb-Chuck]

Q: What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

A: On their back, they're both fucked.

[bobbybrewski]

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?


Christopher Walken.

ooooooooohhhhh
stinger

[substance]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Bobby Brewski:
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?


Christopher Walken.

ooooooooohhhhh
stinger<hr></blockquote>

That' Raw....hahahaha

Substance

[a_money]

Celine Dion walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "why the long face?"


a$

[naturalelement]

ya'll like pirate jokes?? ooohhh yea.

a pirate wlks in2 a bar w/ the steerin wheel of the ship attchd to his dik.

bartndr says, "hey, u gotta a steerin wheel attachd to ur membr"

pirate says, "rrrrrr it's drivin me nuts"

hahahaaa, i love pirate jokes. :D

[cepec]

you hear about the pirate that got his ears pierced?
yeah, he paid a buck-an-ear
pirate jokes are so stupid that their funny.

[Mr. Grouchface]

so... the doctor says to the guy... RECTum... nearly killed em!

[naturalelement]

batemn, ths 1's 4 u.

grasshoppr hops in2 a bar. bartndr says, "hey we have a drnk named aftr u"

grasshoppr says, "u have a drnk named steve?"

:D

[Patrick Bateman]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by naturalelement:
batemn, ths 1's 4 u.

grasshoppr hops in2 a bar. bartndr says, "hey we have a drnk named aftr u"

grasshoppr says, "u have a drnk named steve?"

:D <hr></blockquote>

graemlins/lol.gif Dumb but im rollin graemlins/lol.gif

[Mr. Grouchface]

&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q. What is black and comes in a little can?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A. Michael Jackson.
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A. It's called "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing"
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A. One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; with; the other allows you to carry your groceries
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q. When is it time for bed at Neverland Ranch?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A. When the big hand touches the little hand
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A: He heard boys' pants were half-off
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A: They're both 44 year old meat between 10 year old buns
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A: Because they aren't his.&gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; Q: Why did Michael Jackson have so much trouble turning himself in to
&gt;the
&gt; &gt; &gt; Sheriff?
&gt; &gt; &gt; &gt; A: No idea! He did not have any trouble turning himself into a rich
&gt;white
&gt; &gt; &gt; woman from a poor black boy from the ghetto!
&gt; &gt; &gt;
&gt;

[naturalelement]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Patrick Bateman:


graemlins/lol.gif Dumb but im rollin graemlins/lol.gif <hr></blockquote>

the dumb ones r the bst, like ths one for instance:

a hamburgr walks in2 a bar and asks the bartendr for a brewskie. bartndr says, "we dn't serve food here"

i dn't knw how hamburgrs wlk, but i guess tht's not the point :D

[PB]

don't drag Bobby into your fantasies

[eric]

Q: How many dead babies fit in a 1996 Oldsmobile?
A: 16.

[so_low]

how many babies does it take to paint a wall?
it depends how hard you throw them
How do you transfer babies into a wheelbarrow?
lure them with a bottle
How do you transfer babies out of a wheelbarrow?
with a pitch fork
what do crabs and osamabinladen have in common?
they both irritate bush

2 sausages are frying in a pan one says to the other hey did you see letterman last night? the other replies, what the fuck? sausages can't talk

[so_low]

how do you circumcise a hillbilly?
kick his sister in the jaw

[naturalelement]

time for anothr pirate joke:

wht charactr in star wars is really a pirate??


RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-2d2.

:D

[bobbybrewski]

how do you break Tif's face?
kick any rapper in the cock

[naturalelement]

not quite as funny the 3rd time round booby. i expectd more frm u...seens how u knw SOOOO mch bout me evn tho i've nvr nevr had a convrsation w/ u. tell me sir, whr do u get ur info?? please, enlightn me.

[naturalelement]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!

10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!

11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!

1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!

4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!

5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!

6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!

8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I
am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. (Hmmm, not working according to plan.)

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear
the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He
is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his
safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time......


:D

[naturalelement]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Kweenie]

I really needed a joke today, maybe someone else did too.

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve your kind here" and the mushroom says "Why? I'm a fungi"
graemlins/lol.gif

[A]

So a blind man walks into a store and starts knockin' stuff off the shelves with his cane...The worker asks "Can I help you?" The blind man says "No thanks I'm just lookin"

[Kweenie]

Two nuns are painting the inside of a house when it gets a little hot and they decide to take off their robes. The door bell rings and one nun asks "Who is it?" the man answers "blind man!" knowing that he wouldn't see her the nun answers the door naked. Standing there is a man holding window shades. "Here are your blinds mam," the man says, "oh and nice tits."

[Hype*]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Kweenie:
Two nuns are painting the inside of a house when it gets a little hot and they decide to take off their robes. The door bell rings and one nun asks "Who is it?" the man answers "blind man!" knowing that he wouldn't see her the nun answers the door naked. Standing there is a man holding window shades. "Here are your blinds mam," the man says, "oh and nice tits."<hr></blockquote>

stop writing jokes and finish your articles...
lol...just kidding...
pm me...

[Kweenie]

graemlins/lol.gif
graemlins/shock.gif
Right...I'll get on that ASAP....

[A]

What's Liz short for?

-She's got no legs.

[Kweenie]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by A:
What's Liz short for?

-She's got no legs.<hr></blockquote>

I keep saying this one out loud to myself thinking maybe I'll get it then, but no such luck. You just wait, tomorrow afternoon it'll hit me and I'll be laughing hysterically.

[A]

<blockquote>quote:</font><hr>


I keep saying this one out loud to myself thinking maybe I'll get it then, but no such luck. You just wait, tomorrow afternoon it'll hit me and I'll be laughing hysterically.<hr></blockquote>

That's a joke in itself...right?